Last Saturday was our own school's tournament. It's the only tournament of the year we don't have to go out of town for, and this is the second year we've gone to it. It's great not to have to travel and stay in a hotel, or get up at the crack of dawn so we can drive there that morning.
We use the new gym of a local park - it's a big, clean, lovely facility - of course when you cram 700-ish competitors and their families into it it doesn't feel quite so big anymore, but it's a very nice place to hold a tournament.
I competed, and so did both my guys, my dad, and my sister. It was my little sister's first competition as a newly minted black belt, and she did fantastic. In fact all of my family did well - every one of us took a medal in every event we competed in. That doesn't happen all the time, and I'm proud of us.
I didn't do as well as I hoped but I did very well considering the amount of time I put into preparing, which was not very much. That's my main problem at this point - disciplining myself to practice and perfect my technique as much as I need to in order to achieve my goals. I still managed to squeeze out two third place medals. If I hadn't froze toward the end of my form (I call it my "oh shit what's the next move" moment - it's caused mostly by nerves and I still have it regularly), I probably could have made one of those at least a second place medal. In sparring, I actually scored a couple of points! Every tournament I sparred in before this one I was shut out in the first match - so these were my first competitive sparring points. That sure felt good. I'm actually learning something from getting the snot kicked out of me in class all the time!
I watched Little Man compete - his sparring has improved quite a bit. He actually looked like he was fighting, and not just flailing his arms and legs and hoping to hit something. He got a couple punches in the right place, and he threw a couple of blocks. He's still too young to earn place medals, but I thought he did better. I think he's starting to get the point of sparring, because he got frustrated and said he got "beat up," because the other kid got more hits in than he did. He is and always has been very good at memorizing his form, but his technique still needs alot of work. It could be that he just hasn't grown into himself yet. He is only 5, after all.
I learned some important things this tournament, and not from competing. The lessons actually came from talking to other competitors - my classmates, my friends. One is that I am only competing with myself. I'd heard that before but it didn't really sink in until she said to me that she asks herself one question, "Did I do better than at the last tournament?" That's the goal. To constantly improve on yourself. Not to beat someone else, or win a particular medal, but to improve on your last performance.
The other was a conversation I had at the celebration after, about why I'm not a black belt yet. I should be. I have been learning martial arts for more than two years - slightly longer than a couple of the black belts in our school. And it frustrates me at times, but I have to remember that my journey is not the same as theirs. Each one is different. But one thing I never realized (or never admitted to myself) until Saturday night is that I chose not to promote because I didn't feel I was good enough. I stayed a white belt for 8 months because I lacked the confidence in myself to say "I can do this." And it wasn't just that I didn't feel good enough at martial arts. I didn't feel good enough, period. I allowed the circumstances of my life to steal my confidence and undermine my sense of self-worth.
Realizing that filled me with gratitude - because I got it back. This sport, and these people I've encountered through it, helped me get it back.
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