White Belt

May 26, 2009

There's a fancy official description of what the white belt means that uses the word "pure," but what it boils down to is: you don't know jack yet.

I certainly didn't know jack when I tied on that belt.

I didn't know where the journey would take me, but I was (reluctantly) willing to find out.

I didn't know how I was going to support us. I had a fledgling direct sales business of my own at the time, but it wasn't making me much (any) money and I wasn't in love with it.

I didn't know how to be both mother and father to my son.

I didn't know how to get the confidence and independence back that I had lost somewhere along the way.

I didn't know when, if, or where I would find a partner who would truly love me for who I am, love me the way I needed to be loved.

And because I fear the unknown, and need to be in control, and most of all (worst of all), need to be perfect, I told myself for far too long that I still didn't know jack. I kept that white belt and everything it meant. I dropped to a class where I wouldn't promote in rank, and I stayed a white belt for close to a year.

I had my excuses: I didn't have time, I had other priorities, I just wanted to exercise and not memorize stuff, I had a business to run.... but they weren't the truth. I was in the habit of telling myself I wasn't good enough.

The best, most important thing I didn't know at the time was how martial arts would help me find so many of the answers.